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Long Awaited Vacation!..and a lil note

Finally saved enough to get away from it all. Neeeeeed a vacation..sigh :)

Not to anyone in particular, but I want to say, credit is given to a message I received. I had a very clear moment of "knowing" what I must do.

Would you say things work out the way they do for a reason? If there's a female who you've virtually pursued, (or vice versa), despite her initial protest that she was not interested in dating online, and it's not worked out..Maybe she didn't want to be bothered by a man online, so it caused her to close you out and put up her guard. It probably makes it hard to get to know her on a personal level, but yea, you have a good idea to be finished with something that is bad for you, and never look back.

Have you considered that maybe she's had a difficult life and been hurt by those very men who were supposed to be close to her and love her, from childhood, which causes her to push away any man she doesn't fully trust. And how really she has a vulnerable side that she hides because it's all she's ever known to do, to be strong.

She did her best to maintain integrity and self-respect; even as a young woman by getting a morning paper route to pay for her first place. It was a total hole in the wall but it felt good to be free and on her own. To know she had a place to lay her head, a place all hers.

What if her philosophy and perspective is push away anyone who tries to get close, because it's when you let them get close, they hurt you. But she reserved her hurt and decided to make her life's work helping others feel better about themselves and about life when they've been hurt by someone.

I hope things get better for you. For three years I've been going through a similar situation. I've not been able to get a handle on it, and it involved the net. I relate to you because that's how it's felt for me too. I've found out this person is not who I thought. I'd imagined him to be caring and polite, sweet and compassionate, but I found out it was different than how I'd imagined. Maybe on the internet, it's easy to fall for the idea of what we imagine love to be?

Being on web can make it feel like the person is watching you whenever you're online and keeping track of what you're doing. It can cause a feeling of hesitance. Even though I've made it clear I'm not on the internet to date men, I've repeatedly been approached by the opposite gender, and my "nice sweetness" is what gets me in trouble because I reply to messages. But having to feel like you're under a microscope when you're talking to someone online is something I'd rather not do. I felt the same, as though I was actually pushed into being a prude just to get clarity..To the point, for me..I was going through a serious stage of not liking men at all. Disgusted by them and wanting cyber guys to leave me alone.

Wouldn't you say that we all have a psychological threshold, and a person can only take so much of one intense thing before applying a defense mechanism. In my case, I applied it because I never knew this person in real life to the point of trusting, and they weren't able to gain my trust online.

That's why coming to the net and getting judged by someone who's never met you in real life is not pleasant. I'd imagine anyone going through a negative internet situation would feel the same. No one is June Cleaver all the time, especially when they're dealing with someone who is a part of their uncertainty and that person does nothing to try and clear the uncertainty or ease the situation. Instead, they only plunge it deeper into the unknown, causing one's emotions to go in overdrive. Like foggy areas that never seem to clear. Personally, I like focusing on the sunlight, but at some point, the net has caused me to lose sight of...me.

For all those I've came in contact with here in cyber life, I hope the best for you. I'm leaving for a long awaited vacation tomorrow! I've really needed to get away from the net, too. It makes someone into someone they're not, and someone they never want to be. I've got to get back to myself, the person I've always been. Greatly appreciate everyone's replies and support over these years. It's been an experience of which I'll never forget. I'm going on with my real life, thanks to the insight of a contact. I guess sometimes you find out things aren't meant to be the way it's first imagined. Best wishes with all you decide to do, and with your journey for love. I'm counting on things working out for all of us :) bye

Why?..I'm just curious

Hey gals out there!

I've been thinking these last couple weeks...(That can be a scary thing) Thinking about everything, really..I can't explain a lot of it, but I still feel uncertainty....I can't shake it...It's one of those things...It can't be discussed because it'd be hard for anyone to understand. They would have to be me and be walking through the exact steps I'm walking to get the idea. Simply talking about it, I may sound a little bit "off"..The experiences I'm going through. It's so hard to put into words, yet I feel a desire to write about it....Why do I write in a web journal instead of talk to the person?..Well..that's just it...on the internet, I'm not sure who I'm really talking to.

Do you ever wonder how a man can say the most serious things..like you're my life and all these type phrases. Then one day, poof, they're gone. How can a man say all these things like it's some sort of game..Then turn it off like a light switch. This is why it's always wise to be careful who you trust your heart to. I tried to be careful...I'm not sure if it worked. I tried to be honest and sincere..Not sure if that worked either..Do you ever feel like everything good you try to do just backfires in your face....It smacks you hard and hot, and makes you feel like a pot boiled over. I've learned that actions speak louder than words...you can say you love someone..when u say it, it's just a word. When you read it, it's just a word...The internet is full of words that mean nothing. It seems, when people are online, they can say anything..it doesn't have to have feeling or meaning..the person reading the words will never know if the person was being sincere or just saying it to get them to like them...who knows...So the big question is..As a female, who can you really trust while online. It doesn't matter who you are or what your age...Married, Single, Gay, Straight, you can still be approached by someone on the web, even if you're only here to work. Okay, I know there's always the option of ignoring and blocking anyone who contacts you in an inappropriate way..but who wants to have to do that. Who wants to involve hostility during their internet time?  I don't want to spend my time blocking men or being hostile..I just wanna do my music and art.

I don't like questioning guys who contact me...who are you...what do you want with me?...lol...it sounds so paranoid!! O_o

I can't tell who is who sometimes...how strange does that sound. Have you ever thought you were talking to the same person under two different identities while on the internet? So you never really knew what to do or say..thinking it could be the wrong thing..like a test?...That's what I mean..it can cause a person confusion in just trying to determine who they're really talking to. Who's who?....Good thing is, we can always retreat to real life, to the reality of things..touch base with the practical. Don't let the internet draw you in to the point, it affects your reality. If you feel you need to get away, do it!

I don't like the idea of not knowing who I'm talking to. I made a decision to keep my presence, while online, in a business environment. I'm still making the transition, it's hard not to respond to everyone because I love being friendly..but on the other hand..when are you giving a man the wrong idea? When is simple friendliness perceived as something more? For instance, I actually had a male get angry with me because I didn't respond to him..Would you believe the last time I checked..I had 31,000 shared videos in my yt inbox..there's NO WAY i could possibly reply to all those..I'm only one person.

Where is the line in the cyber world and how do you know when you're crossing it? That's why I'm going to do my best to keep my communication non-personal.  It keeps anyone from getting too serious, attached, or feelings hurt. I don't enjoy hurting anyone's feelings. I've recently had enough of my share of hurt...I'm not looking for more..Only to chill out and enjoy life. Make music, create art..be at peace with things. No more question marks...no more unopened doors.

Have you ever felt like you were talking to the same person, yet a different person....????....Something was said..A little detail that you remember telling the other person..Then that person says something so similar that it sticks out in your mind as being..."odd"...Okay, I hope this has happened to someone else..because I have to say...I've felt this way. I'm not sure O_o It makes me uneasy...Or been contacted by several different people..all who knew someone you knew...somehow....and then they said something that made you think....what the???? I'm sure I sound like I'm making no sense whatsoever.

The little details is what's important...Be sure when you're dealing with anyone on the web, to pay attention to details..Though sometimes, peeps can make those up too...as sad as it is to say...some people aren't upfront about who they are. Sometimes, you have to try to figure it out for yourself, while being a nice person. I mean...how can you just blurt out...hey! what's going on here with all these similarities..coincidences "small world" type instances..where you have a brief, in-your-face type moment..and something inside tells you something is not right. Why is my mind wondering these things...if there wasn't anything to make it wonder?

I'd love to set down and pick the brain of a psychologist..lol..I find the human mind to be awesome..A fantastic area of study..If I didn't  love music and art so much, I'd take up the brain..hehee

So..how do you know when someone is testing you?....Better yet..Have you ever felt like someone was testing you? If you have, then you know what I mean..I don't have to explain myself ;)

Well, I'll tell ya...It's always good, even if you've been hurt, to make the best of any situation. Go on with yourself and let life be life. If someone doesn't want to know you or be around you, then accept it and go on. No point in looking back on things you can't change. It took me a long time to realize this. I wasted so much time looking back..But we can't change any of that behind us..We can mold our future, we can nurture our dreams, we can never give up on ourselves, even though others like to give up on us.

We can make our tomorrow what we want it to be..no one else can decide who we're going to be...but us...you, me..we decide.

Wishing everyone well. I don't mean any of this toward those of you who are true.

And don't waste time hurting over those who don't want you or like you..Keep going strong!
I'm tired. My heart hurts and I cry. I'm so tired of trying to make things work out. I scream out...I'M SO TIRED...PLEASE GOD SAVE ME FROM MY OWN MISERY. I'm tired of taking bull from life. I'm tired of being strung along by love. Do you ever feel like you're stuck in one place? It's not moving forward, not going anywhere. You feel it, and it torments you like a claw-happy cat jumping on your back on the first day of the worst sunburn of your life...Pure Agony would be the best term to use. It's like being stuck at a dead end road..You're still walking though, so your nose keeps bumping the concrete wall in front of you..Preventing you from being able to walk on. You feel so determined to get passed it, you end up breaking your nose in a desperate attempt to "move on". You cry out in a dark room, but does anyone hear? HELP ME!! You walk in circles, trying to get out. With your arms stretched forward, in front of you, you keep walking into walls..No windows, no lights, no flesh, no sound..Only darkness..Stillness and the very breath of your soul. You can hear your own hum and feel your own vibe....You cry. Does anyone see? Does anyone feel what you feel?

We all need closure, from relationships and "cyber ships". We have to get passed things to be able to go on to the next part of our lives. Our spirits are not happy if they feel confined in a tight spot, or entrapped by imprisonment.

It's not fun wearing my heart and emotions on my sleeve in this cyber world of fakeness and lies..or having to explain all this to anyone. For me, now is the time in life for enlightenment. I want to learn and go forward, not dwell on petty things and pain of the past. I've wasted too much of my life already..being "wounded". Now I'm ready to live.

Do you ever feel like you're being lied to? Do you ever feel like someone is studying you, analyzing you, testing who you are as a person, for their own personal interest. Okay, what is it about the internet that makes someone paranoid?...I think maybe, just maybe..I've got a little case of paranoia after being on the internet for two years. I came here to get my work out there, trying to share my work with others. It's started turning into something else, and I'm not sure if it's agreeing with me anymore. People in real life say I need to break from the internet if it's going to make me cry and cause stress. I can get nervous if i feel overwhelmed by something or someone. Taking hate about my work is not what I'm talking about either. I learned to let that stuff roll off my back a long time ago. I'm talking about when it starts getting personal in a world that was designed to be deceptive...the web.

I'm not going to disclose my personal information and past emotional baggage to anyone on the internet, so don't bother asking me. I can barely determine who can really be trusted on the web and who is being straightforward, upfront, and honest about their identity. You can trust someone, then find out they're really someone else..taking on multiple identities..for whatever reasons. In this day and age, it's so easy to be someone else..and no one would ever know.

Like you, I wasn't born yesterday, so don't mistake me for a fool. If I'm nice and kind to someone, it's because I want to be. Don't mistake kindness for weakness, thinking you can walk all over me...and I won't be none the wiser. Don't play games with me thinking I'll never know. I sense more that I'm given credit for. I'm uncomfortable with lies. With the way everything is fake in the cyber world, some people actually are under the impression, it's okay to lie...or that it's okay to pretend to be someone else and lead someone on under a fake identity.

IT'S NOT OK!!!!!! It's not right. Life does this thing where it loves to come back on you..and lies are the worst. When they show their ugly face, it's not pleasant. I have a radar...but it's not always so great. Sometimes, I miss things I should pick up on, and sometimes I get it completely wrong the other way around...Thinking I know something, when in fact, I don't.

Honestly, I don't want to spend my time talking about these things..I'd rather be writing blogs of positive nature..but there are moments when I'm beside myself, when I feel at the end of my rope. I feel cooked and simmered over...Too late. Now I have to play it by ear. Yeah, not always a great idea either. Some situations need more nurturing and guidance. What makes me feel frustrated?...I can't tell what my situation is. How or to who I need to be giving the nurturing. I'm stumped.

I appreciate the internet, and I'm grateful for what it's enabled me to do, don't get me wrong...but like everything else in life, it's a two-way lane...like dark and light..hot and cold, good and bad..There's great things about the internet and there's bad things. Trouble is knowing which is which, so you can avoid the bad. If you want to come to the internet for work and professional reasons, be weary of the downside. Think positive and keep a positive attitude, but always be on guard with a backbone. It's great to make friends, but also be cautious when making cyber friends, especially if you're a youth.

My sister says she won't talk to anyone on the internet unless they're upfront and honest about their identity. If they're hesitant to show you who they are. If they make excuses about their pictures and letting u see them, it's because they have something to hide. Don't be fooled. PLEASE. Because I'm nice and treat people accordingly, doesn't mean I'm bait for intimidation or manipulation. If you dont' want to be honest and straightforward about who you are...the real you, the real life you, then don't come around asking me to give out that kind of information. I'm not going to disclose myself to someone who may or may not be around the next time I go to talk to them. Some peeps have ways of disappearing from their accounts, making a new one the next day as someone else...just to contact you again. Funny thing is...it's like you sense them in both identities. Really, I don't know how to explain any of this the way I want to. The internet can be a dark place full of uncertainty. The truth is..cyber life is not REAL LIFE and it never will be. I choose real life. Jesus was sent here for this very reason...HOPE! No matter what, everything will be OK.

Stick close to what you know to be the truth and you'll choose the right path. I just hope I can follow my own advice.